Today I am grateful for the time to be still. Even though this has come to me in a form not of my choosing, with a cold/flu bug taking a very strong hold on my body. I have been forced to be still as I am not well enough to do anything else.
With the shock of my mothers deterioration when I returned from my holiday of the Australian outback a couple of months ago, I instantly felt the urge to withdrawn form life. Grief is a part of our human experience and the sharing of this in our vulnerability brings us closer to those we love. I know this on an intellectual basis however my patterns embedded in childhood are so strongly entrenched that I find it very hard to do this.
From being taught at such a young age to hold back my emotions and needs (the earliest significant incident being at 10 mths approx), it has become a unconscious instinct like breathing that I place no intent upon but it just happens.
Allowing this to happen opens us up past all our defences to our core - a place that has always been frightening to me - I think I perceive something so large and unending to be there that I never want to open the door for fear that it will not close again. From inner child work that I have done entering past the door I have learnt that we can dwell here only as long as we allow and then safely return and close the door behind us. These breakthroughs have taken place in safe closed circles and I am still not practised at doing this on my own.
Over the last couple of months I have been keeping myself incredibly busy. Being an overachiever and perfectionist trying to compensate for the feelings of insecurity and doubt that I am facing. From renovating wardrobes, completing a patchwork quilt in 2 weeks, reorganising all my craft supplies and organising a wonderful celebration for a friend having a big birthday I have successfully been able to not sit and feel my emotions. I have been aware that this was what I was doing, as it was proving to allow me to visit with my mother most days and remain unconnected to what was happening.
That smaller inner voice will not try to compete with the volume of mental chatter or activity happening on the outside. If we want to get in touch with it we must sit still and listen. The louder voice telling us to feel panicked or afraid is heard because of it's volume and insistence but the messages are very questionable. These are the voices of the inner child who knew truths when we were young which do not serve us any longer as adults. They are based on other peoples truths, cultural beliefs, teachers, leaders, religions etc we must make the choice as the adult if these are any longer correct and true.
With my body getting so sick it has put a stop to my plans and I have had no choice but to sit quietly and therefore my mind has been processing the details of what is taking place. It is very difficult for me as an only child to face my mother's stepping into the last stage of her life, with no one else to lean on for an input into the decisions that must be made (plenty of people are there to listen however I believe you must be directly involved to be able to make the hard decisions). I have a wonderful husband who enjoys a marvellous relationship with my mother but as he has never faced loss before in his own family/life it is difficult for him to completely understand what I am going through despite his efforts too.
So I am now giving my emotions some much needed attention, also being sick it is harder to put up the old walls as our energy levels are depleted, so the transition is much easier to do. I hope by doing this now will restore my inner vibrations and I will not have the need for my body to take such actions again. When I have the feeling that I am dealing with more than I can handle and do not have the strength needed I will just give myself compassion for how I am feeling and the predicament that I am in. When I do this I will restore my strength and the resistance will begin to break down.
All we have to do is feel the emotion, not get attached to it or reject it. Listen to the whispers from our soul that say everything will be OK, giving us confidence and perhaps powerful guidance as to what we can do etc. Once we have heard these messages we will receive a calmness that will settle over our entire being.
When we are in tune to these inner influences we may be less inclined to indulge in idle chit chat with others as we become more interested in truth and creating peace, trust and confidence.
After all the songs have been sung, the poems read, emotions expressed silence is what remains. When feelings arise and fall back they return to silence, we then have the opportunity to connect to the soundless centre of our hearts and souls where we receive wisdom. It just takes practise to return to the empty space surrounding these feelings and sensations with breath, the more we listen for it, return to it, and accept it, the more we bathe and purify ourselves in stillness.